I wrote this when I was in a fight with my best guy friend/co-author Trent.
Forgive the Shooting
One small choice can change a life forever. That’s what I learned that faithful day at Jersey Community High School. It was a cold, calm day and nothing bad could happen, right? Wrong. My best friend and I had been fighting nearly a week before it happened.
We were walking down the hall in silence. It was him, me, and our friend Mikey. The halls were filled with people, but even then it was abnormally quiet. Mikey was trying to lighten the mood to no prevail.
After a few minutes he gave up and walked down the stairs to his first class. “It’s not like you don’t have a say in talking to me!” I said as soon as I knew Mikey was out of earshot.
“This is the first you’ve said to me since Friday!” he said angry, but yet calm.
It was a lie… It was Wednesday now and it was the first thing I’d said to him, that he had heard, since Friday. Normally I would have called to see if he liked the new book he was reading, or maybe try to get an idea for a Christmas present, as it was fast approaching. “Not true! I say hi to you every day, but you are too busy ignoring me for Tiffany.” I pointed out, stopping before I walked into my first hour class.
He looked at me; already I could tell he felt bad for making it seem so. “I’m sorry! There are so many people trying to talk to me in the lobby, I can’t talk to everyone!” he told me.
“You make time for everyone else. I gave up! Did you notice? Probably not.” I said going into the class.
He followed me into C230 and dropped his books on his desk. “No, I didn’t.” he muttered.
My heart shattered as he spoke the truth I was waiting for. I shook my head and took my chair and his off our desks. Caiti was already in her seat so I talked to her until the bell rang. Mrs. Widman told us we were to work on our labs quietly.
I knew quiet would be easy, as it was just an awkward silence between us after that. We worked on our labs and said very little, the fewest words being, “You can use these” meaning my scissors, as the ones she had, were crap. We didn’t really speak until the last ten minutes.
“Don’t take my kindness wrong, I’m still mad at you, Trenton.” I told him.
“I don’t care.” he said.
Just then a man stepped into the room. He was holding a pistol. “So much for security.” I thought as I felt his eyes lingering on Caiti.
“Blondie, to the front.” he said.
His voice was deep, almost too deep. Quickly I sketched out a mental picture. Brown hair, no glasses, green eyes, about twenty one. “No.” I said for her.
“Kelly, don’t.” Trenton whispered.
“Brunette, front.” the man said.
“No!” Trenton said stepping in front of me.
I stepped around him as the man lifted the gun. He pulled the trigger and without a second’s thought I pushed Trenton out of the way of the bullet. The bullet lodged itself deep into my shoulder and with that, the man ran.
Caiti screamed and Mrs. Widman called the police. I lay there, holding my shoulder crying in pain. The teacher in C232 heard Caiti’s scream and came in. He called the office and they put the school in lockdown. “Kelly, why did you do it?” Mr. Sims asked after Trenton explained everything.
I looked at Trenton. He didn’t look scarred, worried yes, but he seemed more puzzled than anything. “You took a bullet for someone you were mad at… why?” he asked.
“I live in a world where life needs forgiveness.” I whispered with my last breath. “Carry on in the same world; forgive me for the harm I’ve done, the lives I’ve tampered with, and most importantly how I treated my best friend.”
We were walking down the hall in silence. It was him, me, and our friend Mikey. The halls were filled with people, but even then it was abnormally quiet. Mikey was trying to lighten the mood to no prevail.
After a few minutes he gave up and walked down the stairs to his first class. “It’s not like you don’t have a say in talking to me!” I said as soon as I knew Mikey was out of earshot.
“This is the first you’ve said to me since Friday!” he said angry, but yet calm.
It was a lie… It was Wednesday now and it was the first thing I’d said to him, that he had heard, since Friday. Normally I would have called to see if he liked the new book he was reading, or maybe try to get an idea for a Christmas present, as it was fast approaching. “Not true! I say hi to you every day, but you are too busy ignoring me for Tiffany.” I pointed out, stopping before I walked into my first hour class.
He looked at me; already I could tell he felt bad for making it seem so. “I’m sorry! There are so many people trying to talk to me in the lobby, I can’t talk to everyone!” he told me.
“You make time for everyone else. I gave up! Did you notice? Probably not.” I said going into the class.
He followed me into C230 and dropped his books on his desk. “No, I didn’t.” he muttered.
My heart shattered as he spoke the truth I was waiting for. I shook my head and took my chair and his off our desks. Caiti was already in her seat so I talked to her until the bell rang. Mrs. Widman told us we were to work on our labs quietly.
I knew quiet would be easy, as it was just an awkward silence between us after that. We worked on our labs and said very little, the fewest words being, “You can use these” meaning my scissors, as the ones she had, were crap. We didn’t really speak until the last ten minutes.
“Don’t take my kindness wrong, I’m still mad at you, Trenton.” I told him.
“I don’t care.” he said.
Just then a man stepped into the room. He was holding a pistol. “So much for security.” I thought as I felt his eyes lingering on Caiti.
“Blondie, to the front.” he said.
His voice was deep, almost too deep. Quickly I sketched out a mental picture. Brown hair, no glasses, green eyes, about twenty one. “No.” I said for her.
“Kelly, don’t.” Trenton whispered.
“Brunette, front.” the man said.
“No!” Trenton said stepping in front of me.
I stepped around him as the man lifted the gun. He pulled the trigger and without a second’s thought I pushed Trenton out of the way of the bullet. The bullet lodged itself deep into my shoulder and with that, the man ran.
Caiti screamed and Mrs. Widman called the police. I lay there, holding my shoulder crying in pain. The teacher in C232 heard Caiti’s scream and came in. He called the office and they put the school in lockdown. “Kelly, why did you do it?” Mr. Sims asked after Trenton explained everything.
I looked at Trenton. He didn’t look scarred, worried yes, but he seemed more puzzled than anything. “You took a bullet for someone you were mad at… why?” he asked.
“I live in a world where life needs forgiveness.” I whispered with my last breath. “Carry on in the same world; forgive me for the harm I’ve done, the lives I’ve tampered with, and most importantly how I treated my best friend.”
Forgive the Suicide
I thought it was going to be a normal day. It was a month after I’d moved to Michigan to prove just how good a friend I can be. We’d been getting along better every day, Debby and I. You see, I’d met her through role playing. We’d had our tiffs but everyone does, even best friends. Then, everyone just suddenly started hating on me, on the new kid.
I turned to her for support, but she was gone just like that. She’d turned her back on me like she had the year before. She’d terminated out mending friendship. Everywhere I turned, people laughed at me. They’d found out my secret. Somehow it’d slipped between my barriers. I didn’t know how it happened or how they found out.
I wasn’t as clean and pure as everyone thought I was. There were two motives for moving. Mending my friendship with Debby and getting a fresh start in a new state where no one knew. The memories flashed in front of my eyes as I stood there, needing a friend where none remained. The girl who’d been hurt by her sibling. The angel who was fallen and destroyed. The girl who had no control over what was happening.
The girl who had been molested.
Now everyone was hating on me, laughing at me. It struck me to the core. I ran down the hall, tears rolling down my cheeks. I ran right past Debby. She laughed with them, but something was in her eyes. Remorse. I ran out of the school and down the sidewalk to my house, where I lived alone. My parents hadn’t wanted to move so I’d done it myself.
I pushed the door open and ran to my dresser. My stereo was there, so I pressed play and turned up the volume as far as I could, blasting the music. It was so loud it hurt my physically, but I didn’t care. The physical pain felt better than the emotional pain at that point. The song was one I knew well by that point, ‘The Way She Feels’ by Between the Trees. I listened to it once before pulling open my dresser drawer.
I pulled out the small box I kept a blade in. I’d never used it, but I still kept it for temptation purposes. Actually, the only self-harm I’d ever done on purpose were eraser burns. The song wasn’t meant to be taken like it was at that moment. Somehow, all I was pulling out of lyrics that were saying not to cut, was to cut myself. Hard. A lot.
I sat on the floor and crossed my legs. The sound of people banging on my locked front door never came to my ears. The music was too loud. The blade was on my skin now. I was scared, but I hurt more at the moment and so… I cut. It was deeper than I’d thought it was and blood rushed out of the open cut on my arm. I felt better so I made another cut… and another… and another. Relief was flowing out of me as the tears of physical pain rushed down my cheeks.
I set the blade down and closed my eyes. My phone started to ring in my pocket and I was tempted to ignore it, but I reached into my pocket with the arm that didn’t have the cuts and pulled it out. It was Debby. I reached over to my bedside table and pressed pause on the stereo remote and answered the phone.
“Hello?” I said meekly.
“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to tell them. It just slipped!” she started saying.
“I don’t care.” I said, my voice quiet.
“Kelly, please. Forgive me!” she said.
Her voice said she was serious so I closed my head and rested it against my dresser. “Deb, it wasn’t that you told them. It was that you continued to tease me with the rest of the school. You don’t know how that made me feel.” I whispered into the receiver.
I stood then and walked towards my closet. She was silent. I put down my phone for a second and grabbed the belts from the closet, walking towards my window and tying them to each other and around the bed post. Quietly, I walked back to where I had laid my phone. “Debby.” I said, seriously. “Forgive me for ending it like this.”
I dropped the phone and walked back to the window, my eyes revealing everything anyone needed to know. I wasn’t in my right mind and I wasn’t going to get better like everyone thought. Silently, I wrapped a belt around my neck and picked up a banister. My house was three stories high.
I sat on the now open window seal and sat the top wooden pole on top of my feet, hoping it would hang there. It was like I had planned it, though I hadn’t. Slowly, using the belt rope I’d fashioned in seconds, I lowered myself out the window without dropping the banner that now hung for everyone to read. I hung from the third story window by my neck as air ran out. I thought about the banner.
It read these words:
I will forgive, but I will not heal. I am more pure and cleaner than any of you will ever be.
I turned to her for support, but she was gone just like that. She’d turned her back on me like she had the year before. She’d terminated out mending friendship. Everywhere I turned, people laughed at me. They’d found out my secret. Somehow it’d slipped between my barriers. I didn’t know how it happened or how they found out.
I wasn’t as clean and pure as everyone thought I was. There were two motives for moving. Mending my friendship with Debby and getting a fresh start in a new state where no one knew. The memories flashed in front of my eyes as I stood there, needing a friend where none remained. The girl who’d been hurt by her sibling. The angel who was fallen and destroyed. The girl who had no control over what was happening.
The girl who had been molested.
Now everyone was hating on me, laughing at me. It struck me to the core. I ran down the hall, tears rolling down my cheeks. I ran right past Debby. She laughed with them, but something was in her eyes. Remorse. I ran out of the school and down the sidewalk to my house, where I lived alone. My parents hadn’t wanted to move so I’d done it myself.
I pushed the door open and ran to my dresser. My stereo was there, so I pressed play and turned up the volume as far as I could, blasting the music. It was so loud it hurt my physically, but I didn’t care. The physical pain felt better than the emotional pain at that point. The song was one I knew well by that point, ‘The Way She Feels’ by Between the Trees. I listened to it once before pulling open my dresser drawer.
I pulled out the small box I kept a blade in. I’d never used it, but I still kept it for temptation purposes. Actually, the only self-harm I’d ever done on purpose were eraser burns. The song wasn’t meant to be taken like it was at that moment. Somehow, all I was pulling out of lyrics that were saying not to cut, was to cut myself. Hard. A lot.
I sat on the floor and crossed my legs. The sound of people banging on my locked front door never came to my ears. The music was too loud. The blade was on my skin now. I was scared, but I hurt more at the moment and so… I cut. It was deeper than I’d thought it was and blood rushed out of the open cut on my arm. I felt better so I made another cut… and another… and another. Relief was flowing out of me as the tears of physical pain rushed down my cheeks.
I set the blade down and closed my eyes. My phone started to ring in my pocket and I was tempted to ignore it, but I reached into my pocket with the arm that didn’t have the cuts and pulled it out. It was Debby. I reached over to my bedside table and pressed pause on the stereo remote and answered the phone.
“Hello?” I said meekly.
“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to tell them. It just slipped!” she started saying.
“I don’t care.” I said, my voice quiet.
“Kelly, please. Forgive me!” she said.
Her voice said she was serious so I closed my head and rested it against my dresser. “Deb, it wasn’t that you told them. It was that you continued to tease me with the rest of the school. You don’t know how that made me feel.” I whispered into the receiver.
I stood then and walked towards my closet. She was silent. I put down my phone for a second and grabbed the belts from the closet, walking towards my window and tying them to each other and around the bed post. Quietly, I walked back to where I had laid my phone. “Debby.” I said, seriously. “Forgive me for ending it like this.”
I dropped the phone and walked back to the window, my eyes revealing everything anyone needed to know. I wasn’t in my right mind and I wasn’t going to get better like everyone thought. Silently, I wrapped a belt around my neck and picked up a banister. My house was three stories high.
I sat on the now open window seal and sat the top wooden pole on top of my feet, hoping it would hang there. It was like I had planned it, though I hadn’t. Slowly, using the belt rope I’d fashioned in seconds, I lowered myself out the window without dropping the banner that now hung for everyone to read. I hung from the third story window by my neck as air ran out. I thought about the banner.
It read these words:
I will forgive, but I will not heal. I am more pure and cleaner than any of you will ever be.
Forgive the Inferno
I wasn’t alone. I always had been until then. From the time I was born to the time we died. I was alone, invisible to the rest of the world. It was time for band, but this wasn’t a normal band class. No. My teacher had picked out three students to form a band. Me the lead guitarist and lead singer, the drummer Rebekka, and the bass guitarist Jakub were the school new ‘rock’ band.
We usually didn’t play on Saturdays or Sundays, but the other two decided we needed to get together and practice for our ‘gig’ on Monday. The teacher kept using loose terms for our sake. I’d never been good with preforming in front of other people, but I’d managed to overcome it. Somehow, Jakub and Rebekka saw me. I wasn’t invisible to them. I thought it was my voice that had opened their eyes, but I never really found out.
We grew outside the band, which was how I knew about the Saturday practice. They’d thought of the idea and so I picked up my guitar and walked across the road to their house. Jakub and Rebekka were half siblings, so they lived together. I guess it was because they were new to the area was that they picked up the loner.
Anyway, we were practicing for the ‘gig’ the next day and everything seemed to go alright. Jakub was doing a kick ass job on the bass and Rebekka was doing just as kick ass on the drums. How I was doing? Well it went a little something like this….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIy3n2b7V9k (I do not own this video and am using it for story purposes only)
The song ended and we laughed together. A song so serious caused us to laugh. “You did great, Kelly! Your voice is just amazing!” Jakub exclaimed.
“It’s nothing compared to that bass you had going on! You were rocking it!” I told him.
Rebekka rolled her eyes. “Oh just say you love each other and we can move on with our practice.” she said teasingly.
“What song we going to do tomorrow? I mean… we’ve only got one.” Jakub said, looking at the two of us.
“Hell if I know.” I shrugged and sat down in one of the chairs that we had moved into their garage.
I zoned out as the two of them decided it. A teacher had singled out the three most unlikely of people to be in a band. A skater boy, a goth girl (me), and an all-around jack of all musical trades in a band together and then forming some kind of friendship? How was that even possible? I mean… It’s me we’re talking about. The loner.
Apparently they decided the song and decided to give me a wakeup call. Rebekka started drumming and Jakub got in my ear with his pocket amp as he started to play his bass. “The fuck!?” I shouted, standing up and then tripping over a cord.
I landed hard on my stomach, my arms over my face to protect it. Luckily I hadn’t broken either of them. Jakub helped me stand up and smiled his sorry. “It’s whatever. Just let go of me.” I said, jerking my arm from his hand.
What had I been thinking about? I didn’t remember… “Sorry. I was thinking and it could have been important and now I don’t remember it…” I said quietly.
“It’s whatever. Just get ready for tomorrow.” Rebekka said, mocking me.
“Fine. Last show we have together.” I said and walked back across the street.
I played a quiet, sad song as I walked back to my house. It was amplified by the pocket amp I’d been using. As I climbed the steps to the next floor of the house, I unplugged the guitar and set it on the stand in my room when I walked in.
The next day I got to ‘gig’ and saw an auditorium filled with people. Jakub and Rebekka were both there, looking extremely nervous. “Oh my God! She’s here!” Rebekka said, running towards me and wrapping her arms around my neck. “We thought you weren’t going to come! You looked so mad last night…”
Jakub walked up behind and put his hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eyes. “I’m so sorry.” he whispered. “Forgive me.”
I laughed quietly and nodded. “It’s wha…. It’s fine.” I smiled slightly.
“Positions!” a stage director called to us.
Jakub whispered in my ear and smiled. I gave him a nod in return. They’d changed songs for me. We hadn’t practiced the original one enough, so they’d switched it after I had left the day before.
Rebekka handed me a black Stratocaster and then went to take her place at the drums. Jakub was already in his spot next to mine on the stage. This was it. My first, and soon to be last, performance in front of people. I walked out onto the stage and looked at them. The curtains went up and people’s mouths dropped.
They’d had the same initial reaction I had. There was no possible way a group like us could be any good. “We call ourselves…” I paused and looked back at Jakub and Rebekka and they gave me a nod. “The Misfits.”
I started the song on my guitar. The performance was amazing… Don’t believe me? This is our sound.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVVrT_wNw_Y (I do not own this video and am using it for story purposes only)
As soon as our song finished, people were on their feet. They weren’t clapping though. They were running out the door. “Kelly!” Rebekka screamed as the curtain fell in a raging inferno.
I was trapped and alone, just like I always knew it would end. Then, I felt fingers in mine and looked over. Jakub was kneeling next to me. Rebekka got a running start and leaped over a low part of the inferno. “We aren’t going to let it end like this!” he said. “I do love you, Kelly.”
I smiled and kissed the back of his hand in an ‘I love you too’ sort of a way. The entire stage was on fire now as we sat there, all three of us, holding hands and Jakub and I singing. Our final good bye sounded like this (though it’s more of a love song than anything.) Written on the back wall of the auditorium, still on display now, was a single sentence. ‘Forgive the inferno’ and the other half had been wiped away in the flames that claimed out lives, as band mates, best friends, and lovers (Jakub and I.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQCY2zL0Jr8 (I do not own this video and am using it for story purposes only)
We usually didn’t play on Saturdays or Sundays, but the other two decided we needed to get together and practice for our ‘gig’ on Monday. The teacher kept using loose terms for our sake. I’d never been good with preforming in front of other people, but I’d managed to overcome it. Somehow, Jakub and Rebekka saw me. I wasn’t invisible to them. I thought it was my voice that had opened their eyes, but I never really found out.
We grew outside the band, which was how I knew about the Saturday practice. They’d thought of the idea and so I picked up my guitar and walked across the road to their house. Jakub and Rebekka were half siblings, so they lived together. I guess it was because they were new to the area was that they picked up the loner.
Anyway, we were practicing for the ‘gig’ the next day and everything seemed to go alright. Jakub was doing a kick ass job on the bass and Rebekka was doing just as kick ass on the drums. How I was doing? Well it went a little something like this….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIy3n2b7V9k (I do not own this video and am using it for story purposes only)
The song ended and we laughed together. A song so serious caused us to laugh. “You did great, Kelly! Your voice is just amazing!” Jakub exclaimed.
“It’s nothing compared to that bass you had going on! You were rocking it!” I told him.
Rebekka rolled her eyes. “Oh just say you love each other and we can move on with our practice.” she said teasingly.
“What song we going to do tomorrow? I mean… we’ve only got one.” Jakub said, looking at the two of us.
“Hell if I know.” I shrugged and sat down in one of the chairs that we had moved into their garage.
I zoned out as the two of them decided it. A teacher had singled out the three most unlikely of people to be in a band. A skater boy, a goth girl (me), and an all-around jack of all musical trades in a band together and then forming some kind of friendship? How was that even possible? I mean… It’s me we’re talking about. The loner.
Apparently they decided the song and decided to give me a wakeup call. Rebekka started drumming and Jakub got in my ear with his pocket amp as he started to play his bass. “The fuck!?” I shouted, standing up and then tripping over a cord.
I landed hard on my stomach, my arms over my face to protect it. Luckily I hadn’t broken either of them. Jakub helped me stand up and smiled his sorry. “It’s whatever. Just let go of me.” I said, jerking my arm from his hand.
What had I been thinking about? I didn’t remember… “Sorry. I was thinking and it could have been important and now I don’t remember it…” I said quietly.
“It’s whatever. Just get ready for tomorrow.” Rebekka said, mocking me.
“Fine. Last show we have together.” I said and walked back across the street.
I played a quiet, sad song as I walked back to my house. It was amplified by the pocket amp I’d been using. As I climbed the steps to the next floor of the house, I unplugged the guitar and set it on the stand in my room when I walked in.
The next day I got to ‘gig’ and saw an auditorium filled with people. Jakub and Rebekka were both there, looking extremely nervous. “Oh my God! She’s here!” Rebekka said, running towards me and wrapping her arms around my neck. “We thought you weren’t going to come! You looked so mad last night…”
Jakub walked up behind and put his hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eyes. “I’m so sorry.” he whispered. “Forgive me.”
I laughed quietly and nodded. “It’s wha…. It’s fine.” I smiled slightly.
“Positions!” a stage director called to us.
Jakub whispered in my ear and smiled. I gave him a nod in return. They’d changed songs for me. We hadn’t practiced the original one enough, so they’d switched it after I had left the day before.
Rebekka handed me a black Stratocaster and then went to take her place at the drums. Jakub was already in his spot next to mine on the stage. This was it. My first, and soon to be last, performance in front of people. I walked out onto the stage and looked at them. The curtains went up and people’s mouths dropped.
They’d had the same initial reaction I had. There was no possible way a group like us could be any good. “We call ourselves…” I paused and looked back at Jakub and Rebekka and they gave me a nod. “The Misfits.”
I started the song on my guitar. The performance was amazing… Don’t believe me? This is our sound.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVVrT_wNw_Y (I do not own this video and am using it for story purposes only)
As soon as our song finished, people were on their feet. They weren’t clapping though. They were running out the door. “Kelly!” Rebekka screamed as the curtain fell in a raging inferno.
I was trapped and alone, just like I always knew it would end. Then, I felt fingers in mine and looked over. Jakub was kneeling next to me. Rebekka got a running start and leaped over a low part of the inferno. “We aren’t going to let it end like this!” he said. “I do love you, Kelly.”
I smiled and kissed the back of his hand in an ‘I love you too’ sort of a way. The entire stage was on fire now as we sat there, all three of us, holding hands and Jakub and I singing. Our final good bye sounded like this (though it’s more of a love song than anything.) Written on the back wall of the auditorium, still on display now, was a single sentence. ‘Forgive the inferno’ and the other half had been wiped away in the flames that claimed out lives, as band mates, best friends, and lovers (Jakub and I.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQCY2zL0Jr8 (I do not own this video and am using it for story purposes only)